Thursday, December 31, 2009

It's Not A Pretty Sight

Again what was I thinking? Why did I decide to make my journey so public? Why am I torturing myself? Answer is simple: What else is there to motivate me. What is it about torture that I like so much.........thinking......I DON'T LIKE TORTURE........But also I now have all of you to remind me of how fat I am and how I don't have to be this way it is a choice. It is a decission I have made. So beware that this is not pretty its just reality of where I am today.

I even have that double chin I said I would never have.

That is not a pretty site of my fat. the ripples in my side yuck.

This is not flattering those rolls of fat in my back.
The cottege cheese butt I never had before. Wow. I am fat.

So now that we have all seen my body as it truely is. I will have to say that this is disgusting. Its out of control. I don't want to die young but have you ever seen a really old fat person........I haven't.

Enough for today, I am off to enjoy the rest of my husband vacation. I will post my weight on Saturday right along with my measurements.

6 months training for a marathon, what was I thinking. I have so much fat to loose this could take a while. But hey 6 months from now I should beable to walk a marathon....I am young I am healthy still thank goodness. I don't have all of those things that happen to fat people. I just need to prevent them.

What have I done keeps running through my head.

I have the tripod set up and ready to go. I have my camera charged and an SD card in it. Now I just need the courage to get up and take a picture and really look at myself for the first time in a year.

What does that mean you ask? I may brush my teeth twice a day and brush my hair every morning and even on occasion put on a little bit of makeup, BUT that does not mean I have actually looked at myself in a mirror. Ever wonder how an anorexic can stare in the mirror and see a fat person staring back at them? Well it’s the same for a FAT person not really seeing how fat they are. They just don't take the time to LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!!

That is what I am basically going to have to do every day look in the mirror and see who is staring back at me. I know my husband is ready to be the photographer but I need the courage to just get up and do it. I know that the tears of who I have become will start to flow but hey REALITY CHECK your fat you let yourself get fat and that’s what happens to people whose clothes grow in size they are getting FATTER. DEAL WITH IT OR FIX IT.

So I think I will just shut up and fix it. Off to the camera for a dose of reality.
I will post my first of many photographs soon but and let the world see what I have become.

Into my most embarrassing articles of clothing I go......

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I am taking on the challenge

I am so tired of being fat. Of the looks I get from people walking down the street. I don't want to shop in the "FAT" stores any more. I want my life back. So what am I going to do about this you may ask. Well I am going to bust my ass working out and eating better. NO I am not taking the easy way out. I am not going to get surgery to fix my problem.

I got here with food and food is whats going to get me out of this body and into a new one. I know how to eat better. I know what I have to do. I just need to do it. So for the next 6 months give or take a month. I am going to start training for a Marathon.

I am going to photograph myself in all of my fat glory and post it for all the world to see. Each day I am going to get up and walk my dog around the complex and then walk my husband around the complex. Yes I sucked him into my plan to loose the fat.

I go into the fat stores and see clothes that are cute but I cant fit those because they only go up to size 12. I want to be a size 12 maybe 14. I would be happy. I am 35 years old and I don't have to be my daughters size 6. I just need to be happy with where I am at.

The time is now. Starting Saturday January 2, 2009 I will start my workouts. I will stick to them every day. And at the end of this journey I will enter a marathon. I don't know where I will place in it but I will not come in last that's what my husband will have to do. Hey I know my priorities and my limitations.

I have used my sons death to mask the truth about my weight gain. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT. He died 10 years ago this April 1st times up using that as an excuse.

I know the tears will come. I know the hurt and burn will be there. But every day I will stand against the wall and let my husband photograph me and post it for all the world to see me as I really am. And at the end of this I hope to see a lot less of me in those photographs.

I will be putting my initial photograph up on Saturday as well as my weight and measurements.

See you then. More like you will see me then.